Incessant

১৪ ই জুলাই, ২০১৪ রাত ১২:০৯

The rain is incessant. An eerie darkness enveloping me. Clouds above me rumbling angrily. The rain which has always irritated me, suddenly felt very soothing. The water droplets coupled with the steady cold wind felt very good against my hot head which, a few minutes ago felt as if it was going to melt down with heat.



The feeling I have right now cannot be described with words. Though 'a clammy, crampy feeling within' comes close to it. It seems as if I am destined to feel like this for the rest of my life. Disappointment, that I have not managed to meet the expectations once again. No, my story is nothing extraordinary. I am just another average person with 'over-average' problems, trapped in this competitive world of 'over-achievers'.



Standing on the roof, at this time of the night and in this kind of weather, does not somehow feel very strange. Other emotions were quite heavy to feel anything else at all. I know the problem lies within me but that is not a comforting thought either. I should have tried harder, but that is hard in itself. Every time I think of a plan, of a strategy, the world thinks of a new one to beat me down. Its not that all hopes are lost, its not that all dreams are gone. Its just that the possibilities of those hopes and dreams coming true look bleaker and bleaker everyday. Everytime I think of picking up from where I have fallen but each time I keep falling again and again.



I feel as if I will bawl my eyes out. The heart feels heavy and inflated, hell-bent on constricting my wind pipe. Emotions well up inside me and each time I feel as if I would explode, the tears just don't come. Or is it just that they are lost in the multitude of droplets streaming down my face. The feeling felt good. The pain felt good. Hating felt good. Paradoxically the pain itself felt as if it could lessen my suffering. I think of all the smiling faces. NO you disbelievers, they are not masks. They are expressions of pure joy and jubilation. Perhaps because they have found way to defeat the world, a loop hole in the laws of life. I feel jealous of them, jealous of their happiness, jealous of their achievements. Jealous, but still proud enough not to ask them how they did it. Even if I did ask maybe they would not say it to me anyways. Maybe they would just shrug their shoulders, mutter something about luck and walk away. MAYBE, I am not sure.



In case you are wondering, this monologue is leading to nowhere. Nor will it end somewhere, atleast not anytime soon. I am tired, but I know I must go on. The only thing I can do at present is wait . For what? Maybe, for an opening for just one ray of light to which cling on to. Until when? That, my friend, is the question, whose answer I am still searching for.



Meanwhile, the rain is still incessant, the eerie darkness enveloping me and the clouds still rumbling angrily.

০ টি +০/-০